Accepting And Loving Ourselves-Why It is A Money Lesson To Learn With Denise Duffield-Thomas  | HMM 23

EPISODE 23

[INTRO MESSAGE]

[00:00:09] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Her Money Matters Podcast, the podcast to help you take control of your finances. Join your host, motivational money coach, Jen Hemphill as she shares with you practical, simple money insights into real life stories by women like you.

Let’s get to it!

[INTRODUCTION]

[00:00:28] JH: Hello, hello there Her Money Matters listeners, this is Jen Hemphill. I'm so happy to have you here. It is definitely an exciting day here as I've got an extra special guest, or I think so, or I wouldn't have her on the show. Right? And I have to tell you, she's a guest that I've wanted to have and she's been on my dream list. So I have two lists for potential guests, I have this dream list of guests and I have another list. And on the dream list are people that I literally have no connections and they just may say, "No". Right?

So I really wanted her on the show and I was like, "You know what? I'm just gonna step out of my comfort zone, and ask! The worst she could say is "no"." And guess what? She said "yes!" And I'm going to tell you about our guest, but before I do I really can't forget to tell you this, especially if you have little ones around I know I would appreciate knowing, there will be some B-bombs, because it is part of her brand — you'll see why. So if you have little ones around, I just want you to be aware of that. Cause they come quick, and they start with me in just a moment! [Laughs]

So let me tell you about our guest. Her name is Denise Duffield-Thomas, and she is a money mindset mentor for the new wave of online female entrepreneurs. Her best selling books, "Lucky Bitch" and "Get Rich Lucky Bitch" give a fresh and funny roadmap to create an outrageously successful life and business. Denise helps women release their fear of money, set premium prices for their services, and take back control over their finances. She is an award-winning speaker, author, and entrepreneur who helps women transform their economy class money mindset into a first class life.

Denise has so much stuff to share that I've actually, we've got a bonus audio where she gives us even more of an inside scoop in her life on how her and her husband manage their personal finances and some other good stuff. So I'll let you know how you can get hands on that at the end, and yes I know I'm keeping you in suspense on what that is! But I wanna share with you some highlights of the show so you know what to expect today.

Denise is going to share three lessons that she wants to teach her daughter, and if you have kids, these are lessons you definitely want to listen to. And she also tells us about a typewriter that she got as a gift, and what that taught her about money. Plus a really funny story that has something to do with celebrity letters, you can't miss that one! She also shares why Oprah was her biggest influence around money, and she tells us what the one problem is that she would solve if she had a magic wand, and how that involves you directly. And why as women we need to step up around money and what this means for you.

So let's go now and talk to Denise.

[INTERVIEW]

[00:03:43] JH: Welcome Denise to the Her Money Matters Podcast! I can't tell you enough how excited I am to have you here.

[00:03:50] DDT: Thanks Jen, I'm excited as well because I know you've got some really juicy questions for me, and as you know, I really love talking about money.

[00:03:58] JH: Awesome, awesome. Well I have to tell you first that the first time that the mindset piece was open — I mean my mind was opened to the mindset piece, was with a book called "The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker. And I read this maybe two to three years ago, and let me tell you, I really had some growing pains, some revelations, some realizations about myself.

But then I learned about you in B-School back in 2013, cause that's when I took B-School, and have been following you ever since. I have your book "Get Rich Lucky Bitch", I've read that, I've taken notes, I've applied some of your formulae, I've had success with it. So I just want to personally thank you for writing that book cause it definitely has made a difference in me personally.

[00:04:46] DDT: Aww, thank you Jen! That's so nice to hear.

[00:04:49] JH: Oh no, no problem. But enough about me, cause I know our listeners are really wanting to know more about you. So you ready to dive in?

[00:04:55] DDT: I am, absolutely.

[00:04:57] JH: Perfect, perfect. Well we want to know a little more the inside scoop about you. We know you're a rockstar entrepreneur, but we want to know about you the wife, the mother, maybe something that you've never shared about yourself, but are willing to?

[00:05:14] DDT: Oh absolutely. I'm happy to go as juicy as you want me to go.

[00:05:18] JH: Just take it away, however you want!

[00:05:20] DDT: Absolutely! Yeah go for it.

[00:05:23] JH: Well let me — yeah just tell me something that you're willing to share something that maybe you've never shared?

[00:05:30] DDT: Sure. Let me think. I'm an introvert, which a lot of people know. But I think the thing that people don't really understand a lot about me is I'm actually not a shy person at all. I just like to spend a lot of alone time. And my hubby is very understanding of this, he knows how much alone time I need. And the other thing that people don't probably know about at the moment is I'm starting to explore my "woo-woo" side a little bit. So I am starting to buy crystals and doing a crystal workshop on Saturday to learn more about crystals, as a participant. And I haven't really spoken about that much yet with people. Yeah!

[00:06:18] JH: Interesting, interesting. And tell us, how did you grow up around money? Tell me that story?

[00:06:25] DDT: Yeah so my mum was a single mom. She had me when she was 18 and she didn't have a great relationship with my dad. He was really young as well. So she was really a baby raising me, and she was on welfare so she got money from the government and I didn't really pay much attention to that for a long time because I was just like kids are. Most of the time you're happy, you don't really — I don't think you really pay much attention to money.

And I remember my mum didn't really talk about money too much. But I started to notice a few things when I was, maybe about from eight onwards, and I would hear mum talk about not having enough money for food or for groceries. And I started feeling, I guess then, quite anxious about not having enough, you know? And a lot of the time when you have experiences like that as a kid, you start to make up stories about it. And for me it was, "I'm never going to have enough. It's not enough?"

And actually, it wasn't just money stuff that that affected. That affected food for me as well. I definitely became an overeater from then, and that followed me into my adult life where I had to finish everything on my plate, and I still never felt like it was enough. So we didn't have a lot of money, and I think when I was about 11 or 12, I made a decision that, a very important decision that affected my life too. Is my mom had a rich boyfriend, and she ended up marrying him. So we moved into his big mansion.

And their relationship was kind of on and off within the next couple of years, and we would move to the mansion, and then they would break up and we would move back into a very small apartment. And I made a decision then that men have all the power, and men have all the money. So that followed me around for a couple of years as well. So the interesting thing that I find with women now when I talk to them about how they grew up around money, that there's actually no correlation to how much money you had as a kid and how good you are with money as an adult. Because we've all made up our own stories around money and you know, for good or bad, our experiences have definitely shaped how we feel about money as an adult.

[00:08:50] JH: Absolutely, absolutely. Now I'm curious about your daughter, Willow. She is so adorable! The pictures that you post on Instagram, she's just such a cutie. So with the experience that you've had on so many women all over the world, and your life experiences, what would you say are the top three lessons that you're maybe teaching right now or that you're gonna be teaching her so she can be in control and fearless when it comes to money?

[00:09:17] DDT: Absolutely. This is a really important thing for me right now, obviously, because I'm thinking about it, I'm writing books about it. And what I noticed at first is I thought, "Oh well, because I didn't grow up with money and I never thought about money, I'm gonna go that extreme and like teach her about budgeting and all that kind of stuff." But what I realized is that's not the important lesson that most of us need to learn.

So the lessons I want to teach her is, one, you don't have to be perfect. I think that's a huge one because for women, you know, I think a lot of that perfection can really tie us up around our money, can derail us in business, it can do really a lot of damage to ourselves when we feel like we have to be perfect. So the second lesson is, just to learn that the most important thing is that she deeply and completely loves and accepts herself. And everything else can be fixed. Everything else can come from that.

And you know, have you ever done EFT before Jen?

[00:10:19] JH: Actually, I have. And you know when? You introduced — well I've heard about it, but I was like, "I'm not doing that." But when I read your book I'm like, "Okay, I'm just gonna do this," because you say, "Throw everything at it." Right? So I have! And it definitely puts you at this peaceful, just a peaceful mindset.

[00:10:41] DDT: Well exactly. That peacefulness is probably what I want to teach her more than anything. Because when you have that feeling in your gut that no matter what, you deeply and completely love and accept yourself, which is one of the mantras in emotional freedom technique, if people don't know. Then it doesn't matter what happens, because sometimes you might have lots of money, sometimes you might not have as much.

But the constant is that feeling of peace that no matter what, you're gonna be okay because you are okay. And I think that's actually way more important than any other skill in money mindset, is that feeling that, "No matter what, I deeply and completely love and accept myself." It's huge!

And then the third lesson, which is more about money, is that money is just a tool. Money doesn't say anything abut yourself as a human being, having money doesn't make you better than people who don't have money, not having money doesn't make you morally superior to people who do, vice versa. You know, all that kind of stuff. Just to learn that money is a tool, a tool that you can use in lots of ways. Some people use it for good, some people don't use it for good. But to not make up stories about her ability to earn it, to spend it, whatever.

So those are the three lesson, that she doesn't have to be perfect — these are lessons for all of us by the way!

[00:11:56] JH: Absolutely!

[00:11:57] DDT: And this is a lesson for me, these are the lessons that I'm still learning all the time. Number two is, the only important thing is you deeply and completely love and accept yourself. And number three, that money is just a tool.

[00:12:09] JH: Right. I love that! And the perfectionist hits me right on the spot, cause I'm a recovering, working on it, perfectionist. And you're right, it just stalls you from progressing further, from just growing as a person further. And I've learned that lesson deep and hard, for sure.

[00:12:29] DDT: Yeah me too. I'm a Virgo, right? I don't know if you're a Virgo, but a lot of Virgos are perfectionists. But what I found that to be successful in business, perfection isn't as important as consistency. And we can all, yeah we can all take consistent imperfect action, and that's gonna drive you forward much quicker.

[00:12:48] JH: Right. I love that, I love those lessons. She is in good hands for sure! And what would you say is your best money memory?

[00:12:57] DDT: Oh yes, my mum bought me a typewriter for when I was — I think at my 9th or 10th birthday. And it was a little Scalextric with a ribbon, everything. This beautiful little typewriter. And I loved that, that made me feel very — it made me feel very loved, but it really made me feel like, "Wow, this — money can buy tools and you can use these tools," and I have to admit, I didn't use them in the most ethical way. So funny story is that I used to forge celebrity letter to kids at my school, and charge them $5.

[00:13:45] JH: [Laughter] An entrepreneur since the beginning, right?

[00:13:48] DDT: Yes! So that was a beautiful memory because my mom used to buy me things, like she didn't really get me, I don't think, with a lot of presents. And that was the one thing I just thought, "Wow, she really gets me," and I knew she had to save up for that. And it just, it made me feel so great.

[00:14:07] JH: I like that, I like that. And I know we tend to make purchases, and some of them are not great purchases. So what would you say has been your worst purchase?

[00:14:18] DDT: [Laughs] Well I've made some terrible purchase I'm sure.

[00:14:22] JH: Oh me too!

[00:14:22] DDT: One that really...

[00:14:23] JH: You're not alone!

[00:14:24] DDT: One that really sticks out, and I have no idea why I did this, but I used to work in a pizza shop when I was at university. And I would walk past this antique store every day, like an antique furniture, antique clothing. And there was this tuxedo in the window, and it was $200 and it was this antique, like vintage 1930's tuxedo. And for some reason I just really wanted it. And so it's not so much it was a terrible purchase, but it was just one of those things I have no idea why I bought it.

[00:14:59] JH: That's funny! That is funny. I like that. And what would you say are the challenges that you have around money?

[00:15:07] DDT: Now? Or?

[00:15:08] JH: Yes now. Cause we're always working and progressing.

[00:15:14] DDT: For sure. So I think it's the opposite to the lessons I wanna teach willow, sometimes I get into a place of feeling like I have to be perfect. So If I slip a little bit with my money tracking, which I recommend everyone does, or if I miss a bill, or something like that, I really start to beat myself up over it and forget that it's not about being perfect.

The other thing is thinking that other people are perfect with their money. So like I've got an accountant and a financial team now as well. And sometimes when I meet with them I think, "Oh, they're gonna think I'm a fraud." You know? "They're gonna think that I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah fro sure. So it's a constant reminding of myself that I on't have to be perfect, that I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I think thats the only think really I know I struggle with. Now I know I can make it, and just that, sometimes a little feeling of guilt and reminding myself. It's like, "Not it's okay, you can afford to buy stuff. You're allowed to buy things."

And I think that, again, comes from childhood because when I was a kid, my mom could only afford like one thing at a time. And it was like one school skirt, and if you — I had to wear it until it was really super tight. You know? And like one part of school shoes. And so that is such an ingrained thing in you sometimes. Sometimes I'm like, "Am I allowed to buy another pair of yoga pants? I've got some," you know and it's just giving yourself permission to have what you want, beyond your basic needs, is something that I work on even though I have a lot of money in the bank now, I have to constantly remind myself that because it's so ingrained.

[00:16:58] JH: Right. And then you hit a point that I love, giving yourself permission. And then also you talk about guilt and that's something I'm sure you've seen, as women, it's just a common theme. We take care of everybody else before us, but we feel guilty in treating ourselves in just some small luxuries, whatever the case may be, but we have that guilt. We tend to do that a lot as women, don't you agree?

[00:17:25] DDT: 100%, and I think that's something I work on all the time cause it does come up.

[00:17:32] JH: Oh absolutely. Absolutely. And who would you say influenced you most in the area of money?

[00:17:38] DDT: I think it's Oprah, and not because she actually talks about money a lot — and it's interesting listening to some of her books and audios, because she very early on had a sense that "I'm allowed to get paid for what I'm worth". And even when she was a TV anchor, I think she had a very good sense of herself in that. But it's more who she exposed me to.

[00:18:03] JH: Okay.

[00:18:04] DDT: And when I watched her show as a teenager, and she would have Suze Orman on or Jean Chatzky or you know any of those, like Dave Ramsey, she really was the catalyst for me to learn more about money and to study money. Because I don't think I would've been as interested in personal development if not for Oprah.

[00:18:28] JH: That's a neat story! Now that leads into the next question perfectly, cause the next question I was gonna ask you was, "Who is your favorite money guru?"

[00:18:39] DDT: Oo juicy, juicy! There are so many, and I have to say I don't have a favorite, because I think it changes throughout your life. I think Suze Orman was great for me when I was first starting out and learning about money. And then Dave Ramsey was wonderful when I was trying to get out of debt. And a book that I read recently, I can't remember the name of the guy, but the book is called "The Opposite of Spoiled" and it's about raising kids with awareness and things like that. So I think there's not one...

[00:19:13] JH: I'm gonna have to look that up.

[00:19:15] DDT: Yeah, it's really a great book. And then "The Millionaire Next Door" series, I think that's Thomas Stanley, just off the top of my head. But I think your money guru, or your money — it really depends on what stage you're at, and it's really important to look around and think, "What do I need right now in my money? Do I need investment advice? Or do I need to get out of debt? Or do I just need inspiration?" And look for the right person. Cause I don't think there's one guru that fits all of those, ticks all of those boxes.

[00:19:47] JH: No, you're right, you're right. And that's funny, you're definitely right. I agree, cause I know when I started this money journey I started with Suze Orman. And then I progressed to Dave Ramsey, and you're right, just really depends what you're working on financially at that moment.

[00:20:07] DDT: Yes.

[00:20:08] JH: And what is the first money book that you read? Cause you mentioned Suze Orman, I don't know if there was one prior to that, or?

[00:20:15] DDT: Wow that's really hard to remember because I started reading [laughter] — no it really is! I started reading personal development books when I was about 14.

[00:20:25] JH: Wow.

[00:20:25] DDT: And I very clearly remember the first personal development book that I ever read, which was "The Magic of Believing".

[00:20:32] JH: Okay.

[00:20:32] DDT: By Claude M. Bristol. That wasn't so much about money, but it was about, kind of the words you speak out loud. And it's really about the law of attraction, but he never talks about the law of attraction. And then I started reading some of the other old school books, like "How to Win Friends and Influence People". And even just those kinds of books did change my feelings about money because I realized that I had bigger goals than just my town and where I lived. And I knew that money was gonna help me achieve those goals. And changing the way I felt and thought, and changing my goals would help me achieve that.

So I can't remember the very first specifically, you know, the specific book about money, but I know those ones really did change my views on just success in general.

[00:21:22] JH: And if you could wave your magic wand, what would be the one thing you would change for women so they live that first class life that you talk about all the time?

[00:21:34] DDT: That's very, very simple; it's giving up the guilt. Giving up the guilt!

[00:21:41] JH: Yes, and probably one of the hardest things to do, but yes! [Laughs]

[00:21:44] DDT: It is! Like guilt around hiring an assistant, guilt around maybe getting some childcare for your kids so you can have some dedicated time in your business, guilt around asking your husband or your partner or your family member to help so you can dedicate some work time. Maybe it's guilt around — for me the most recent one was getting a food delivery service. Cause I was like, "I'm not cooking and I feel like I should, but I don't want to and I don't have the time, I don't wanna dedicate the time to cook."

So I had to give up the guilt around spending the money on something that would help us, to make our lives more convenient. Maybe it's the guilt around getting a cleaner so you don't have to spend that time where you should be working on your book or your blog, spending that time cleaning. It's like ridiculous! So that's the biggest thing I think, if women — if we gave ourselves permission to give up the guilt, the world would freaking change so quickly. Things would absolutely just start to shift, we would just revolutionize the planet!

[00:22:49] JH: I agree! And you've said it, the permission that you talked about too, cause you have to give yourself that permission to do what you want to do and to be able to get rid of that guilt. I love that.

And Denise, as you know, this podcast is all about making money simple and taking control of it. So how would you finish this sentence? Her money matters, because _____?

[00:23:13] DDT: The planet needs us!

[00:23:16] JH: Oh absolutely. I love that! [Laughter] I absolutely love that.

[00:23:19] DDT: It's as simple of that, girls and ladies/women listening, if we can — we're very lucky. All of us listening are probably living in a Western country, we've got food to eat, we're very privileged. And because we can, we should. Because we owe it to our sisters around the world to be empowered around money. When you make money, you will be able to help other women, you will be able to employ other women, you'll be able to donate to causes that inspire you, that change the world, it will change the next generation of women as well.

So I think it's more important than just saying, "Oh let's do it so we can buy shoes," or whatever. It's like, "No, the planet needs us to step up in every way possible, especially around money."

[00:24:08] JH: That was so beautiful, and just powerful. I thank you for saying that. And I really wanna thank you for being here Denise! Tell us, where is the best place for people to find you and learn more about you?

[00:24:22] DDT: The simplest, easiest way is to go to my page, LuckyBitch.com and check out some of my resources. If you're interested in the Money Blocks conversation, I've got an audio that's very easy to listen to and I talk about Seven Money Blocks. And that's at LuckyBitch.com/blocks. It's a great way to start!

[00:24:42] JH: Definitely some good resources, cause I have downloaded and have listened to those audios, so definitely check those out.

Well thanks again for being her Denise! It's been a pleasure meeting you, obviously virtually, and getting to talk to you and getting to know you.

[00:24:58] JH: Thanks Jen, I appreciated it. And for everyone listening, today is your luck day! Go and take some action. There's never been a better time.

[00:25:06] JH: Absolutely. Thanks again Denise.

[00:25:09] DDT: Thanks Jen!

[END OF INTERVIEW]

[00:25:11] JH: Oh my goodness, is your mind still spinning? Wasn't Denise just awesome? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed chatting with her. If this is your first time listening to her, or this was your first introduction to her, I am sure you are just in awe. And if this is not your first time listening, I'm sure you're just completely still in love, a huge fan of Denise as we all are.

So real quick I wanted to give a shout-out to someone who gave some really kind words for the show on iTunes. Those reviews, as much of a pain as they are to submit and put in iTunes, are really what drives the visibility of the show. So I really always appreciate them.

So this listener says, "Great show!" And it comes from EliteElisa, or maybe "Eliza" I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing your name right, let me know. And she says:

E: "Jen has the ability to make you feel like she's your real life friend who happens to be a money professional. I really enjoy those podcasts and her take on money matters. The interviews so far have been great as well. I look forward to the future guests."

[00:26:20] JH: Well thank you so much! I am so glad that you feel comfortable with me, and are enjoying the show. I really appreciate those kind words they mean a lot. So I wanted to tell you, as you already feel, there were so many golden moments in this episode. And if I had to choose just one, for me it would have to be at the end, towards the end she was finishing up the phrase of "Her money matters because ___" and she said, "Because the planet needs us."

And I wholeheartedly agree. I never thought about, "Oh we just take ourselves for granted I think sometimes," but I wholeheartedly agree because this really does go beyond "buying shoes" as she says. We get so stuck in our own lives that we forget that others are not so lucky. And it hit me, I'm like, "That's why lucky is a part of her name," because of these sentiments and these thoughts that she has.

And being fearless, being empowered around money goes beyond paying debt, beyond saving money. Yes, you've gotta take care of you because you can't take care of others if you take care of you first, right? It's just kind of like on the plane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put it on others. But don't get stuck the "I don't have this", or the frustrations in your life around money. Let's maneuver through this, not around. I want to maneuver through this together.

This is one of the big reasons why I created this podcast. Cause seriously, at the end of the day you are an influence to more people than you know. People are always watching, and of course I'm really not saying this to put stress on you by any means, but just to give you something to think about. And you really can thank Denise for those deep thoughts.

So I wanna hear from you? Tell me, what is your biggest takeaway from our time with Denise? Make sure to leave me a note in the comments in today's show notes.

So that is a wrap for today! I really wanna thank Denise for joining us, for being transparent, for sharing such a great story, her insights and her wisdom. And there are two ways to grab that audio, the bonus audio where she shares if she's a money manager in her own, how her and her husband manage their personal finances, and she gives us a scoop of her favorite money app and something that's soon to come.

So one way to do that is to text the word "luckybee", so bee as in the bee's that make the honey. So l-u-c-k-y-b-e-e all one word. So you text "luckybee" to 33444 and it'll text you back and ask you to submit your email, and then you put your email and you'll immediately receive your audio. Of course, please do this when you're not driving by any means!

Or you can simply go to today's show notes, and this is also for my international listeners, because you won't be able to text in. You can go to JenHemphill.com/23 and just scroll down to where it says "Resources For This Episode", and you will find the link there. And I just wanna remind you that you can also, in the show notes, find where to find Denise. There is a transcript and other links. So again, you can go to JenHemphill.com/23 to get all that good stuff.

So thanks again for tuning in. I really, really appreciate you and I'll talk to you again next Thursday.

[END]